Five Ways To Survive A Midwest Winter

Oh, baby, is it ever cold outside.

If you are reading this from a warm locale, please do not speak. I can’t bear it. You are dead to me, along with every living thing in my backyard.

If, however, you are among the hearty and seasonally depressed in the Midwest, this post is for you. We are in this together. Let us rise above. Let us commiserate. Let us talk survival strategy. Here are some helpful tips I’ve gathered on how to make it through an interminable Iowa winter:

1. Get married.

Do it! It’s fun! It passes the time! Better than any old game of Monopoly, I’ll tell you that. Simply make sure you like the guy well enough to share about six decades of peaks and valleys and boom! You’ve got yourself a great winter distraction! Plus, after you’re hitched, he might help with your warmth factor, as good husbands park and retrieve cars for happy wives. I got a good one. And he is REALLY jazzed about staying warm in winter!

(Note: Marc wore this get-up INSIDE HIS CAR while driving home from work. Note the shimmy.)

2. Don’t get a puppy. Unless you have a fence. Then you can get a puppy, but know that opening the door to the tundra fifty times a day will not help the temperature of your house or the temperature of  your heart toward your puppy. On the upside and as kind of an Angry Midwesterner revenge, you can dress your puppy in silly sweaters and mock him when he looks confused.

3. Stock up on Smart Wool. Finally a wool sock that doesn’t make you break out into hives, itch like a woman afflicted, or make you feel like you did when you were a kid and your mom made you wear that dress with the pokey collar. I hated that dress.

Trust me. Smart Wool is light and warm and perfect for the bleak midwinter. Buy now, thank me later.

4.  Unfriend and unfollow all those people who keep posting photos of themselves in Aruba and Turks and Caicos and Orlando. Except don’t unfriend me if I get to go to one of those places because then I’m posting every moment, from when I embrace the bell boy upon arrival to when I perform the Marcarena on the lido deck to when I tweet about weeping in my plane seat on the way back (#bestweekofmylife! #backtoflyoverstate #mywinterisbettterthanyourwinter! #suckah!). And you’d better “like” every photo. We’re friends, and friends want other friends to pretend they’re happy for them.

5. Pick up a winter sport, like curling or snowshoeing.

I’m kidding! Don’t do that! It sounds horrible! Why would you want to make things worse? You need your digits! Don’t freeze them off! Take those pathetic snowshoes off your pathetic feet and go inside and keep moping. Whimper a little bit, watch a good movie, read a good book, moan a bit more. Maybe that cute husband you just snagged will have pity and bring you some hot chocolate. Or a ticket to Mexico. Spring is coming one of these months, so rest now. You’ll need all your strength to get back all the friends you alienated over the winter, to say nothing of the puppy poop you’ll need to scoop in the backyard.