Summer Beauty And Other Myths

Listen, I know I’ve been out for awhile. I’ve missed you. But now that we’re all back together again, can we talk about summer beauty?

I don’t believe in it any more. And not only because the summer’s almost over and I’m jaded and sun damagaed. I don’t believe in because it doesn’t exist in my current zip code.

I didn’t start out this way. I used to be super optimistic about summer beauty. Like in March, for example. March was a great summer beauty month for me. The skies of Iowa were gray and unrelenting, the cold lingered, and the view out my window was soggy and brown. But I had hope. I knew summer was a-coming and with it pedicures, relaxed curls, sundresses, and effortless make-up that made me look radiant. Bronzed and radiant.

In short, I would look exactly like Gisele during the Opening Ceremonies. Did you see her?!

She was luminous. Her legs were tanned and smooth and eight feet long, give or take a few. And I want to talk about her hair because this is where summer beauty has taken a big hit for me. Gisele’s hair is long and wavy and remarkably resilient to South American humidity.

This is my summer hair.

I was waiting to get my hair cut/tamed/shorn and when I pulled my hair out of a ponytail, this is what I saw. I saw a lion. A wrinkled, middle-aged lion who lives in the swamps of Iowa.

And it’s not just my hair. My toenails, for example, are not looking their best. I think I’m up to four different colors, each painted one on top of the other. The bottoms of my feet are dead ringers for cow hide. And I think we’d just better discuss the shorts issue.

Show me a pair of shorts that doesn’t ride AND doesn’t make me look like I should be strapping on a fanny pack and a hand-held fan, and I’ll show you the Holy Grail. IMPOSSIBLE. I’ve tried, oh, have I tried. But it’s either dumpy or scandalous, no in between.

This is a man, and he has an unfortunate tattoo, but I think he captures exactly how I feel in shorts.

Note his mournful countenance.

I’ve missed you. Get on out there and have a good weekend. Don’t forget your shorts.