Summer, in Theory

Oh, summer. I am so happy it’s here. Just when I thought I would lose my ever-lovin’ mind, summer arrived. And I am grateful.

But let’s just be honest this year, Kim. (Danger! Danger! when I start speaking in the third person!) Summer is full of false promises in the area of fashion. I love summer fashion IN THEORY. But real life is often like a snowball to sunburned cheeks (you pick which set).

In your best interests, I present four fashion items that are awesome in theory alone:

1. Shorts. Aren’t these cute?

Photo credits.

Yes. Yes, they are cute. And you will not be seeing me in them, likely for the rest of my days. Shorts SEEM like a great idea. They LOOK like a great idea on the pages of magazines. But when a body has birthed many small humans and that body also likes ice cream more than triathlons, well, shorts are NOT a great idea. They are a sad idea. Do not be fooled.

2. Midriffs. Look at this woman.

Photo credits.

I have no idea what she’s doing but don’t get distracted. The point here is her midriff. It is phenomenal. Awe-inspiring. It’s the kind of midriff that allows her to skateboard down a sidewalk holding a long black pole and no one will bother her, not even public safety. Because she has the midriff. Do not, under any circumstances, pick up that pole, rip off your shirt, and try the same shenanigan. I, for one, have crossed to a different stage of life for midriffs, which looks more like this.

Photo credits.

No to skateboards. Yes to floppy hats and standing still.

3. Camping out. Actually, this sounds horrible to me. But some of you think it’s romantic and family-friendly and good for honing survival instincts. Go, girl! Camp like a Sasquatch! And when you can’t sleep at 3 am because the ground is not made for sleeping and wolves sound scary in real life, leave your little play stove right where it is and find me at the Westin.

Photo credits.

4. Shiny accessories.

Photo credits.

Apparently shiny, sheeny things are the rage this summer, but I don’t want to talk about that. I want to talk about my concern for the girl modeling this handcuff purse. Why hasn’t anyone given her food? Why haven’t they stuffed a couple slices of pizza in that purse to take with her when the photo shoot is over? I have written about fashion hot off the runways, my struggles with remembering to change my children’s clothes and the perils of  skinny jeans. But I have never endorsed not giving models pizza. I just want to clarify my stance on that. Models should eat pizza and THEN hold shiny accessories. And then they should eat more pizza.

Photo credits.

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